Unconditional Love

    May 2000

    Christian Boylove Lives
    Discovering God
    By Ben
    Edited by Heather Elizabeth Peterson

    The posts in this section are reprinted from the Christian Boylove Forum with permission of their author. For an index to these posts, click here.

    A SIGN FROM GOD

    Submitted by Ben on January 17, 1999

    I'm not sure if I posted some more details on this time in my life a few weeks ago. I thought I did and perhaps it was deleted for whatever reason. I hope that I am welcome to continue sharing this story:

    After being drawn to visit a church (I am jewish, by the way) by the family of two incredibly beautiful and attractive twin boys I met with the boys' father so that I could ask questions about the church. We had a very long talk over a nice lunch. We connect very well, have similar ideas about the world (outside of religion) and enjoy each other's humor and company. He does not know that I am a boylover, nor does he have any clue how attracted I am to his sons. As an additional footnote, I am a celibate boylover and intend on staying that way. The fact that I fantasize about his sons never exits the privacy of my own loneliness. It turns out that the father, like me, did not believe in God many years ago. He was drawn into his church in a manner not unlike what is happening to me. The difference of course is that I am jewish and he was nothing. Therefore, I have a bigger reason to fight what I am being told. But he insists that I should read the bible with him and just open my mind to the possibility of God (okay and of Jesus).

    I have been told by other boylovers that the twins (who I happen to coach in youth sports) were God's way of catching my attention (and boy did he score a big one there!). Over the past few months though an uncanny string of coincidences have continued to lead me down this path! I'm a very grounded person, and I am fighting daily with the possibility that the world can be anything more than black and white. I told him all of this and I asked him if he believed that God spoke to people. But then he lowered his voice and looked me in the eye and said, "Ben, I do not believe that it is a coincidence that you are coaching my sons . . ." How can a reasonable person (and I count both he and I as reasonable people) believe this?

    And why do I keep wanting to believe it?

    EXPLORING FAITH

    Submitted by Ben on January 23, 1999

    I hope that this story isn't getting old or uninteresting for people. If it is, please let me know. I won't be insulted :)

    Since the first time that I was asked, by the father of the twin boys who I very much admire, to attend their church, the father and I have gotten together a number of times. We have become friends, and when we meet we don't just talk about religion, but also about work and life in general. Certainly, it is the boys who are providing the carrot to bring me over to the house when I don't feel like going, but I will say that I would probably go most of the time anyway because I do enjoy the company of the parents.

    I've found the discussions about God, the Bible and Jesus to be fascinating. Through talking about it, I realize that I am actually a very spiritual person and that I have a lot of feelings about God. I've never really thought about any of it until now. I told the dad how grateful I am for him taking his time with me, but he wouldn't hear of it. He said that seeing me explore my faith has renewed his own faith. He also agreed that we enjoy each other's company and the talks about philosophy and religion. So, we decided to make a commitment to study the bible together this spring. I figured that I had nothing to lose. At least I would gain a friend and discuss something that is interesting to talk about. At best . . . who knows. He also lent me a bible to read and I will start to read it, though I am still skeptical about what I will find.

    Because I have always wanted to find God, but have been to hard faced towards the world and somewhat abandoned spiritually by my own religion, I feel like I have a lot to gain. I also believe that, through learning about God, I can become a better person. God, if he really does exist, is certainly giving me every incentive in the world to keep doing this. After talking religion with the dad, I sat with one of the twins and helped him do his fifth grade homework. How someone so physically beautiful to me could be playing a hand in my spiritual life seemingly could only be an act of God :)

    Thanks for listening in and if you have questions, don't hold back. I've found in this whole process that asking questions, and arguing different points of view is as valuable as learning from a book.

    GROWING FAITH

    Submitted by Ben on February 13, 1999 

    To update you all on what has been happening in my spiritual life:

    I've made a commitment to study the bible for a while with the person who I now consider to be one of my best friends and who considers himself honored to have been chosen by God to be a guide for me. I've already read the gospels now and will begin studying with him, at his request, for about 3 months. I think that there are a lot of ways that I can change the way I live my life and I think that I can learn to be a better person and a much happier one, through teachings in the bible.

    I cannot tell you how inspired I am by what is happening to me. To have lived a completely Godless life and to combine that with the pain, frustration and loneliness that comes with being a boylover, makes this all the more meaningful for me. I'll be honest with you all, I'm not convinced of anything yet. I'm not willing to hop on the bandwagon because this is so appealing to me, but I am willing to open my heart and my ears and to, as my guide says, start listening.

    God has clearly chosen the proper guide for me. Spending time at his house is not just a spiritual experience. His sons, the twins (and he also has 2 more older sons who are still pretty cute . . . one 13 and one 15), are the most beautiful boys that I have ever met. I remember feeling privileged just to be able to interact with them. Now I spend 2 or three times a week at their house! It is enough to allow my faith to grow from learning, but what an extra inspiration it is to sit with the boys and to talk about the bible, to hear them pray and to listen to them answer the questions that their dad puts to them about how to live their lives according to the bible. What a gift this man is giving his children, by raising them, not in fear of God, but in joyful thanks for God's blessings. What a gift he is giving me by including me.

    I am beyond privileged to have met these people! I only hope that this is as real to me six months from now as it feels today. 

    A GIFT

    Submitted by Ben on February 21, 1999

    Last night the father of the twins gave me my own bible as a gift, which he inscribed with a really cool statement of thanks for my friendship. The bible means a lot to me, not only because it is such an enormous link to finding God, but also because of who it came from. I had dinner with the family before going out to a singles party (which I thoroughly hated, by the way). My bond to the kids and to this family is growing every day, and I sit in disbelief that the two boys who I thought were so cute and so magically novel to watch, are now becoming a part of my life! Being able to drop by the house and sit with one of the boys to watch a college basketball game together, or toss around a football is something that I would not have dreamed of in a million years. The friendship with the father, someone who is doing more for me than my father ever did (i.e. taking an interest in me, not what grades I get or how much money I make, but the soul of me) is beyond my thanks. And the search for God, as frustrating as it is right now (I won't lie and say . . . yeah, that's it, I believe, I'm saved), is so enlightening, so spiritually exciting and promising. I can't help but believe that God is giving me an incredible gift, larger and more real and more meaningful than any gift I have ever received. I've almost toyed with the reasoning that I must believe in God, if for no other reason than to give thanks for these gifts. This is true Grace.

    I pray still though for guidance in finding the faith that I can practically taste, but is still elusive to me. Sorry if this post seems self absorbed (it is), but it seemed better to share than not to.

    HARD GIFTS TO RETURN

    Submitted by Ben on February 27, 1999

    We have all, from time to time received gifts that we wanted to return or trade in, or that we wished we never received at all.

    My sister once gave me a new coffeemaker for Chanukah. It was a Braun, one of the best out there. But unfortunately, I had had a Braun many years back and didn't like the coffee that it made, even though it was fancy and supposedly so great. So, I bought a Mr. Coffee, which makes great coffee but if you don't watch it, the top overflows and the coffee grounds spray out all over the kitchen. That's when I put a new coffeemaker on my wish list. But I didn't expect another Braun! This gift was hard to return because it was from my sister, who I love.

    In my life today, God has given me a gift that certainly do not want to return. But I feel like the gift is so special, that I might follow God because of the gift, rather than because of my beliefs.

    I had dinner at the home of the twins again, and studied the bible with the father. His patience, his love for me and his deep hope that I will find in Jesus what he found, is more than my own father ever gave me. I could not help but look at him and just want to get on my knees and thank him for his devotion. Here he is, head of a multi-gzillion dollar company, putting so much time and effort into me, a veritable stranger. 

    As if the gift wasn't enough though, after studying, the dad had to get some work done in his home office, so I plopped down with the twins and Nintendo64 and spent the whole night with them. I can feel their barriers melting away, as they laugh with me (and sometimes at me, since I'm not half as good with a joystick as they are). To have them so close to me, sometimes looking me in the eye for a second with pure excitement and innocence, to have such physical perfection so close to me, their warmth close enough to feel, their trust, so delicate and precious that I couldn't imagine ever violating it, made me wonder how I could ever earn such a gift. Their innocent love, free of anything sexual, is powerful enough to give meaning to every moment of my life. It might even be powerful enough to cause me to follow faith when I otherwise wouldn't. My rationale is that right now I need their love to keep me committed to studying. But I want to believe that, even as they grow older that by that time my faith will carry me on its own.

    I hope that I am making sense in this. I am so astounded by the gift of this family, that I just don't know how to respond. Other than to give thanks and to keep listening to the Call.

    LEAP OF FAITH :)

    Submitted by Ben on March 7, 1999

    Today is a day I will always remember. Today, I turned the corner between not believing in God and believing in him. Today I accepted God's existence and asked him to become a part of my life.

    I've been reading the bible for over a month now, as well as other books, websites and as well have been studying with a Christian who guided me to where I am today. I believe that my whole life will change from this. I cannot believe the blessing that God has given me, the guide, the signs, the desire to seek him and the family that has kept me coming back. Nothing though has spoken to me like the church that I have been attending. The message is so clear: God loves me, God wants to have a relationship with me and (maybe) God gave his only son so that my sins would be forgiven (this is the next area that I have to explore).

    No boylover, no person will ever know what I feel today until they experience it themselves. Don't be fooled into believing that God is anything less than he is. Our minds are not big enough to understand God, our eyes not wide enough to see him, our ears not able to hear him as loudly as he is speaking. I am totally amazed today.

    A WORD OF THANKS

    Submitted by Ben on March 29, 1999

    Just a word of thanks to God this weekend, for showing me (unearned and undeserved) yet another sign of grace and love.

    Last week was a struggle for me, as my faith waned, my mission and my motives became less clear and my struggle to know Jesus ever so strained. I was feeling sick, I was not concentrating on my job, I was concerned that the twins were falling from my life and my ability to pray daily was impeded by those other concerns, things that should not have been a priority. I prayed that God would give me the strength to put him first, above all other things that I wanted in my life, so that I could continue to follow him and to hear the Word.

    This weekend my prayers were answered in every way that I could have imagined. During my Saturday bible study I really did focus on what I was doing, really did get down to "business" and learn the way that I should be learning. On Saturday night, I spent the entire night with the twins while their parents went out. Even though I wasn't "babysitting" the parents showed me their trust, extended their love for me, by asking me to "stick around" for the night if I wanted to. If I wanted to! What more could I ever want to do?! So, all night long I played games with the twins, watched basketball on TV and finally got them ready for bed. How tender the moments felt to me, standing behind them at the bathroom mirror as they brushed their teeth before bed, seeing just their faces and mine. When one of them got tired later on at night, he lay on the floor in a fetal position, pretending to be asleep, just so that I would carry him upstairs. To have that blonde hair against my chest, that warm innocent body against mine, gave me a feeling of love that truly transcended anything sexual. Strange, even though I was as close to the twins that night as I had ever been, saw them in their sleeveless tank tops (a sure turn on for me), I was not aroused. Not that I would ever do anything about that arousal anyways (for I have vowed that I would never), but the fact that what I felt was unsexual love, but protective love, meant that God was with me.

    The next day, church was inspirational and motivational. The sermon was awesome and strengthened further my faith. Already, people know me there, they hug me when I come in and invite me over for dinner. How totally amazed I am at the richness of my life, the richness of friendships, of learning, of committing my life to God's way and if nothing else can remind me of God's gift, the love of the twins surely does. And I do not deserve any of this! I am totally unworthy of this grace . . . and I am not saying it because I am supposed to say it. I believe it . . . totally . . . completely . . . have always felt that I am undeserving of any love. Much less God's.

    Okay, I am rambling. I am just too thankful to keep it quiet :)

    Have an awesome day guys and God be with you . . . Jesus too.

    RE-ESTABLISHING PRIORITIES

    Submitted by Ben on April 23, 1999

    Just thought that I might share with you all the challenge that God set before me this week. The twins went to the Caribbean on vacation this week. This is the first time that I have not had them (or their dad) as a regular part of my life since I was introduced to the bible. God really put me to the test in a couple of ways. First of all, I had to spend my day knowing that the most beautiful boys in the world (to me) were running around shirtless on a tropical beach all week. I was actually jealous of all of the people who I don't even know, who might be staying at the same hotel as them or something like that. Just the thought of them in such a paradise like setting has been killing me all week. On a less superficial level, I've also had to contend with not having the carrot that drew me to the church in the first place. I didn't have them in church, in bible study or to enjoy when I met with their dad. My fear was that, without the twins there as part of the picture, that I would have no interest in God and the church. I was very wrong. My interest was as strong as ever. I studied the bible all week, actually seeking out other people in the church who would spend a few hours with me (and many gladly did). I went to church all by myself (but was hardly alone since I've met so many nice people) and still read the bible daily. I struggled with not having the joy of the twins in my life, but I learned a bit about what will come some day when the twins get older. God has blessed me with them but he did want to remind me that my priority cannot be the twins. As hard as this week has been, I am glad that I was challenged in this way.

    I am also glad to say that the twins come home tomorrow :)

    CHANGE AND JESUS

    Submitted by Ben on May 6, 1999

    For the past few weeks I've been involved in the battle of my life. As I've come closer to accepting Jesus as the son of God, I've been challenged by the realization that my boylove is probably sinful, no matter how much I might force myself to believe that it isn't. More specifically, it isn't being a pedophile that is sinful of course but it is any pedophilic action (including masturbation) which perverts God's purpose for sex. I realize that this is a very narrow and fundamentalist view, but I fear that if I do not take this stance, then I will lower the standards that God has for me. With this acceptance has come the battle, because I am a pedophile and fantasy is an absolute way of life for me. The possibility that I can undo being attracted to boys has always been preposterous to me. In years of therapy I was able to reduce the number of times that I masturbated to maybe twice a week instead of twice a day. But I always fought my urges and they always came back.

    With God in my heart I am masturbating only 3 times a week instead of 3 times a day. I do not own a computer that can read newsgroups (by my own design) and I do not visit picture sites (legal ones or otherwise). I have cut out 50% of other sins in my life and it is barely a struggle to do it. I am happy to do it for the glory of God and with the knowledge that my reward will be far greater than anything else I can imagine. God really has already rewarded me a thousand times with the twins. How happy I am to give up pictures and fantasies for the laughs and smiles and hugs of these boys. The problem is that sometimes the temptation (to fantasize about boys) is too great and I know that I will fail. If I accept the standard that I talked about above then to settle for less than that standard in my life seems unacceptable. It is this battle that I am not sure how to win. To water down the standard is to water down Jesus' perfection. Can God accept someone so imperfect as me into his Kingdom?

    GOD, CHRIST AND HOPE

    Submitted by Ben on May 23, 1999

    Just thought that you guys deserved an update on my life. First and foremost, I have accept Jesus as my personal savior and the son of God and intend to be baptized in the next month or so.

    My life has made the most dramatic change since I started studying the bible and going to church. Instead of spending every night surfing legal pic sites, and eyeing every cutie I see around me (I have always been celibate . . . the damage has always been to me), I spend my nights with other Christian friends, enjoying their company and their kids. Our church is very very close knit and this has given me the unique opportunity to have my 'own kids' in a way (including the twins). I've traded off endless nights of fantasizing about boys that I will never know, for enjoying the company and being part of the life of real boys who I can call my little brothers. Sometimes controlling my fantasies is challenging, but when I compare this life with the old one, the struggle is worth it. Yes, I do fail sometimes and there are some nights when I am feeling so desirous of a boy that I fantasize about him. I accept my sinfulness and I repent for it, not out of guilt or fear of damnation, but out of thankfulness for God's gift to me. I know that there are no biblical references which confirm that masturbation is sinful . . . but I accept my church's decree that it is (we are fundamentalists :-) with my own conclusion that doing it in excess is sinful. The less, the better.

    The challenge that I've accepted for my life is very uncharacteristic of the boylove life that I had been resolved to lead over the past few years. I'm a bit scared to be making such a radical commitment to change . . . but I do believe that God has a plan for my life, and as long as that plan has given me this huge family of good friends and cute kids to surround me, I'm going to seek God with all of my heart.

    By the way, my family is so angry with what I am doing (they are not Christian and they do not know that I am a boylover . . . so why I would want to become a fundamentalist is totally beyond them), that they have practically disowned me. I guess that was predicted by Jesus 2,000 years ago anyway :)

    REVERSAL

    Submitted by Ben on June 7, 1999

    Hey guys

    Just wanted to let you know that I was baptized last week. 

    Almost 50 people showed up (I'm such a popular guy :-) and with only a few hours notice. That's how close knit my church is. One of the most special things for me was that the twins both gave a little speech about me. I was so touched.

    I've really made a commitment to try to give up the sexual habits of boylove (not the love part . . . just the masturbation and lusting after boys all the time). The commitment comes out of thankfulness to God for what Jesus did and also out of thankfulness to God for giving me the love of the twins in my life. Certainly I am going to stumble on this path but I know that there will be forgiveness . . . only Jesus was perfect. Some boylovers may really object to this and I can understand that and certainly would not pass judgement on their decisions. I just want you all to see me as an example of someone who was really really consumed with lusting after boys (never touching them of course . . . just looking . . . and fantasizing) and who was not finding happiness. My commitment to change is the hardest thing that I have ever done or will ever do but it has come with a really better alternative: With a commitment to God, with the twins in my life (and really they are the most beautiful boys that I have ever seen anyway) and with the knowledge that maybe someday I can get married and be a dad to my own kids. It is the life that I have always aspired to have and I truly believe that God is giving me a chance at it. Considering the hopelessness that I have always felt in my life, I am willing to take the risk to follow God's plan for my life . . . wherever it may lead.

    No matter what I choose, I will never pass judgement on what others decide . . . I'm always hear to listen and be objective. 

    You are not alone.

    Ben

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