Unconditional Love

    December 1998

    Christian Boylove Lives
    1998
    Edited by Heather Elizabeth Peterson

    The posts in this section are reprinted from the Christian Boylove Forum with permission of their authors. For an index to these posts, click here.

    SEARCHING GOD FOR AN EXPLANATION

    Posted by Ken on October 15, 1998

    Wow, all fresh and new, I can smell the crisp electronics from here . . . Man, am I glad this board is back up! I just found out about it right when it went down.

    So let me tell you a bit, just a quick overview of the past three years of my life. I had known for a long time that I was a little different in my sexuality . . . I didn't like being different, but it was hard to avoid it. I tried then just to avoid my sexual feelings altogether, to not share them with anyone.

    Once I got to college, that started getting hard. My hormones were swirling and there was sex everywhere. Fortunately everyone knew that all the girls here were ugly, so it was ok that I didn't have a girlfriend (actually I did for part of the time, that didn't help much). At one point, things got really bad. I had found the joys and perils of pornography on the Internet . . . I recall one point when I actually seriously considered the hardcore child molestation you hear about on the news once in a while . . . you know, where the only way to cover your tracks is by killing the poor boy. Thankfully, I realized that there was no way in hell I'd bring myself to do that. But that didn't help my hormones at all, I was pretty depressed, considering that I may never be happy.

    Fortunately though, about that time I found a wonderful group of people on one of the IRC channels that I could talk to, and they understood my problems. They gave me a name for my sexuality, and compassion for what I was feeling. It was quite wonderful.

    This summer was great, I got to get paid for working with kids, it kept me busy and happy, about the best things to keep from falling into the awful depression that I did the winter before. One of the fellows I was working with has since developed into one of my bestest of friends . . .

    He's now going to school with me here; near the beginning of the year he dragged me along to a meeting of a nondenominational Christian group. Now, I was raised on Catholicism, never cared much at all for it, I considered myself atheist/agnostic. But going to this meeting got me thinking about a lot of that stuff that I hadn't thought about in a long time, and it brought back some of the wonderful memories of the caring and loving relationships in my church youth group back in high school.

    One thing lead to another, I attended some Bible study meetings, talked to some folks . . . one day God started talking to me . . . he was pretty stern, he pulled me out of class and led me to this guy named John, a wonderful Christian. John explained to me the teachings and the workings of Jesus, and I started believing. It was incredible, because that was the first time someone had actually bothered to sit down and explain that stuff to me.

    As I got more in tune with God and with the scripture, I started feeling the strong hatred/disrespect for homosexuals . . . I brought this up with my good friend, after careful consideration, and explained to him the nature of my sexual thoughts. He understood (he understood!!!), and apparently had been struggling with similar feelings himself, but undoubtedly agreed that it was wrong, the Bible says so.

    I talked more with my online friends, and eventually with John. John became upset, I could tell he had a very hard time dealing with the issue. He almost told me to go to Hell right then and there . . . but, being the wonderful Christian that he is, was able to contain his hatred and attempt to continue to love and guide me in Christ.

    Considering the number of gay and lesbian and boylove and other folks, I found it hard to believe that God would have made all these people if it were really that bad. I had an especially hard time considering that I was such a sinful person to have such thoughts, because only a year earlier I had worked very hard to convince myself that I wasn't an evil monster or a child molester.

    So, I've been searching the Bible, people's interpretations, and God for an explanation, for an answer to my questions. And then a wonderful, loving online friend pointed me to this forum.

    Well, there you go. I'm off to see what's in the archives now. Wish me luck.

    SIN AND BOYLOVE

    Posted by Oliver on October 16, 1998

    Hello, Ken. Thank you for posting at CBF and welcome; I too am glad to see this discussion board back in operation again. I also struggle with the issue of sin and boylove. I discovered my orientation had a name a short six months ago. Here is what I've come to have a peace about since that time.

    First, we are all born into sin; no one is any less a sinner than anyone else, thus a homosexual is no less a sinner than a heterosexual. God initially created humans as pure and in His image. Adam was made without sin; when his eyes were open to it, every human being after him would know what sin was and, thus, we are born into sin because of Adam and Eve's disobedience.

    God and sin are incompatible, so a way had to be made to rectify our sinful nature to be clean in the eyes of God; that is why He sent his Son, as an act of love and sacrifice so that we could be saved. Such an act is a gift that has already been handed to us God has made the initiative. We, in turn, only need accept this gift by believing in Him, giving everything we know of ourselves to everything we know of God.

    Also, thoughts are not necessarily sinful, in nature. I cannot help feeling sad when a friend of mine has passed away. Similarly, I cannot help the sexual feelings I get when I see an erotic picture or the like. How I act on those thoughts is what I'm held accountable for.

    If I were a heterosexual, how should I react to my sexual feelings for a woman? Should I act lustfully, having sex with every woman I meet, or should I think about commitment, raising a family, using sex as an act of procreation and expression of oneness in marriage? If I were a boylover, should I use my feelings to take advantage of a child, using them as an object of pleasure or should I be there as a mentor and guide to that child, being a positive role model and allowing him to initiate the relationship? Bottom line, are you using your orientation as an act to sinful means or are you using it for God?

    I have had the honor of using my boylove orientation as a guide and mentor, to children. I try not to favor boys over girls, when in a setting of both genders. My choice is to remain celibate; I get enough pleasure seeing a child be successful and being a friend to them. I can't describe the type of love I have for children because it is spiritual in nature, many Christians understand and call this love Agape and it is stronger than the erotic love of my orientation.

    Well, I've said my piece, I hope it will be of help to you. Accept it or don't, it's up to you. I'm not in the business for forcing my beliefs, just sharing them. Thank you for blessing us with your thoughts and testimony; it makes my day to discover a new brother in faith. I will be praying for you and hope to see you here, often.

    MY JOURNEY . . . THIS FAR

    Posted by Bach on October 21, 1998

    Hi Folks,

    This is a fairly long post and it talks about my boylove journey over the past year.

    About one year ago I chose to "come out" to my employer and church community. Because I work for a Christian church agency this meant that I risked losing my job and my faith community. The courage that my brothers and sisters in Christ have shown as they walk with me and support me on my journey has been nothing less than awe-inspiring.

    As a condition to continuing with the agency, the "CEO" asked that a support and accountability group be set up. I agreed and chose the members of this very important group of people. They have not always agreed with me, but they are committed to sharing my walk and their understanding and confidence has increased as we have traveled together.

    They have been challenged in their faith, their world view, and especially, their own sexuality and their understanding of how it works. Without exception they have said that they have grown and stretched and they thank God for this opportunity.

    Myself, I have challenged their faith and they have challenged mine. I have taken the risk of being accountable to my church community for my actions and they have chosen to risk employing a boylover to work in a setting related to youth. God has shown His love for me through the commitment of these people and I am trying to respond by loving them enough to have patience regarding their many misunderstandings about my sexuality.

    Today I met with my support group. I was blessed to have with me two of my boylove friends. I was able to talk about both the online boylove community, and show them CBF, and the real life boylove community that I live in. They were able to understand the need for a compassionate ministry of support and encouragement and were encouraged by our efforts.

    I feel that we are being listened to. That there are true Christians who want to love us. That the day will come when I won't need to pretend I am something other than what I am when I go out in public and be respected for it.

    May God give us strength to reach out and love those who are lost and alone. May He show us how to love boys so that their emotional, physical and spiritual needs are being met. May He guide us to life-giving communities of acceptance and warmth. Amen.

    AN UPDATE

    Posted by Ken on October 23, 1998

    The last time I posted I was kind of depressed, I felt you all deserved to hear the follow-up. So, here it is.

    On Wednesday, I had lunch with a fellow Christian who is active in the church I attend. He told me the same old story about why God is wonderful and how Jesus saved us and so forth that I've heard dozens of times from other people. But he gave a couple new twists on it, just at the right time, to help me find answers to questions that have been bugging me for some time.

    The result, well, I did a lot of praying, and in fact that evening, just some 50 hours ago, as I was praying about my trust that God would show me the way, whether it was God I was talking to or not, a most wonderful thing happened. I felt the Holy Spirit slip into my heart. At least I assume that's what it was. It was a wonderful feeling . . . I smiled and continued praying: "Well, I guess I believe, huh? Thanks, you're so cool!" It was like I wasn't alone anymore, there was a friend there with me, someone who loves me and whom I love deeply, and can trust with anything. And the best part is that this friend is always with me, right there in my heart.

    Of course, I didn't all of a sudden understand everything that's been troubling me, but what I did understand immediately was that it doesn't really matter that much. Whatever the case may be, God will be sure that it all works out well. It's a nice thing to know.

    I was doing some reading for school, sitting in the library, going through a psychology journal, an article about child abuse. Thankfully, there was nothing terribly graphic or upsetting in the article, but it did get me thinking nonetheless. This is the conclusion I came to:

    It's not worth it. I can't afford to lose the ability to help kids, to be with them when they need someone who loves them. It's not worth losing their trust or respect by appearing to have sexual feelings for them; it's not worth the risk of getting accused of sexual harassment and losing my job or getting thrown in jail. For the most important thing is to be able to love (not the eros love, one of the other two, agape if possible) a child. The rest pales in comparison.

    This is a significant breakthrough for me, because while I've always been reasonably sure that I can contain my feelings and not rape a child or anything like that, there's always been the concern in my mind that my feelings might get strong enough to interfere with my work in some form. I now know that I can't let that happen, and God will back me up to make sure it doesn't.

    Now, to let the folks who I've talked to in real life know what's going on, without insulting them and hopefully with them understanding, at least partially. I need to figure out some careful wording, in order to convey the message that I'm doing well in my spirituality to a guy who would almost have zapped me into hell if he was able to do so . . . :)

    Thanks again for all your support and prayers.

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    © 1998 Heather Elizabeth Peterson
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